51 Ways to Annoy Murtagh
by EliteKilljoy
Summary: Anyone ever wonder the best way to annoy Murtagh from Eragon? Well, this is how.


A.N: Ok so I've always LOVED Murtagh from Eragon, so I made a list of 51 ways to annoy him. Enjoy.

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><p>1) Follow him around and keep asking the same stupid question no matter what answer he gives.<p>

2) Follow him around chanting "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Murtagh stole the cookie from the cookie jar!"

3) Give him nicknames that are unrelated to his real name. Ex: Paul. Joe. Han Solo. Teddy Bear. Freddie.

4) Ask loudly where babies come from. Keep asking him even if he claims he won't tell you.

5) On the off chance he gets frustrated enough to tell you where babies come from (previously mentioned on number 4), look offended and claim he's not taking you seriously.

6) Whenever he's done saying something, laugh loudly and say, "Yeah, like we'll ever believe that!" very sarcastically.

7) Poke him at random moments, and don't give him a straight answer as to why you are doing it, either.

8) Laugh at any and all plans he comes up with.

9) Follow him around and tell people that he learned everything he knows from you.

10) Whenever anyone asks you about him say proudly, "We're all very proud of him- all of us in the insanity response unit, that is- we just got him potty trained, too…."

11) Tell Eragon that Murtagh has a crush on him. Claim that there is hidden poetry in his room if he looks hard enough. Make sure Murtagh hears these claims. His reaction to this news will certainly start quite a few new rumors.

12) Kill, burn, and eat the ashes of his horse.

13) Or, if you're too compassionate to kill the poor animal, wait till Murtagh is half seated on it, then slap it's bum and yell "giddyup!" If the horse is too well trained to fall for that, run. Run fast!

14) Point and laugh at him whenever he passes you.

15) Say bad things about him before he passes out of earshot.

16) Try to get him to start a conga line.

17) Clearly in view, smack yourself on the head with something hard, then throw it by Murtagh and claim loudly that he has wounded you.

18) Kick him in the shins at random moments when he is not looking, then run away.

19) Tell Arya that you heard him say that he expected her to be more pretty when he found out she was an elf.

20) Wake him up early in the early hours of the morning with a bucket of water. Cold water.

21) Put his hand in warm water while he's sleeping.

22) Cut his hair while he's sleeping.

23) Take his stuff and hide it.

24) Go up to him and tell him you've done something to something in his room. See how long it takes him to work up the nerve to brush his teeth again (in fear you've dipped his toothbrush in the toilet (or chamber pot for you eccentrics)).

25) Walk up to him and say, "Man, it feels good to be a hamster…" and walk away with no explanation.

26) Laugh at him in general.

27) Dye his hair rainbow colors by any means possible. See if he screams.

28) Make a comment about how he's putting on a little "poundage" and see if he still continues to eat regularly.

29) Get him a puppy for Christmas. Claim that since he's always wanted one, and that you finally raised the bar from a hamster to a dog.

30) Get him a Chihuahua as the aforementioned puppy. (An Irish Wolfhound would be a very, very stupid move at this point.)

31) Spread outlandish rumors about him. (Ex: Yeah, I've heard he's even dated a queen. Or: I heard that to get out of prison once, the guards made him dress up as a girl and pout.)

32) Show up in his room before he goes to bed with warm milk and a lullaby in mind to help him sleep.

33) Mimic him in an especially childish way whenever he speaks.

34) Ask him why he's got a stupid horse instead of a dragon. If he ignores you, continue to ask why he isn't as cool or good-looking as Eragon.

35) See how many rounds of "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" he can take before he swears and draws his sword.

36) Claim #35 (above) was you testing his mental endurance. Claim he failed spectacularly.

37) Whenever you discuss Murtagh's strange behavior around you with others, always refer to him as "she."

38) Replace all his clothes with dresses (or any other clothes that are obviously intended for a woman). Admittedly, some of the fun is sapped out of the joke because he can always get new clothes, but it will still be entertaining to watch him try to explain his predicament to the tailor.

39) Replace all his weapons with hand made replicas you made with construction paper and glue, maybe even with tape (to give it a shinier look!).

40) Scream the name "FRODO!" at him and then look disappointed when he doesn't react. When he asks what a "Frodo" is, refuse to tell him because he didn't recognize his "Sam".

41) Tell him, "The cat crows at dawn and the horse screams at noon," and see how he reacts to this little bit of randomness.

42) After you've finished telling him something, you must add (no matter what!) "But it's just a rumor. (Ex: Eragon told me to tell you that you guys are leaving tomorrow, but it's just a rumor.)

43) Tell him you're leaving to see if he cries out of sheer joy.

44) See if he attempts to be polite about you saying you're leaving (#43-above) and tries to say something like "Too bad", or "I'll miss you", or "You simply must write", or "Send me a postcard!"

45) Make up his own theme song and sing it whenever he enters the room, or triumphs, or walks, or eats, or something, anything at all…

46) (In relation to #45) When he threatens to cut out your tongue if you continue to sing his theme song, smile say, "Oh all right," and begin to hum it.

47) Offer him gum from one of those trick packs (you know, the ones that shock you or snap your fingers with a mini mousetrap).

48) Play knock and run at his bedroom door. When he inevitably refuses to answer, open the door, step in and holler "Lucy! I'm hooomme!"

49) Scream "You dropped your pocket!" whenever he's fighting on the practice courts.

50) (In relation to #49) Give him your best, plastic-fake, commercial, poster-boy smile and say "Great job you did on the practice courts today, even though you got hit on the head twice. Oh, by the way, you dropped your pocket."

51) (In relation to everything on this list) When he tries to attack you and must be forcefully restrained, sigh and say, "I always said he was insane. I've known it for years," even if you've only met him last month.


End file.
